Stockton State Collage

Monday night I was introduced to a department director from Stockton State Collage, I was of course Louise. It was at a gay venue and it was fairly obvious that he was gay. We only spoke for a moment and he invited me to a presentation the collage was having the next night, Tuesday.

Since it was about Cd's and Transitioning I went as Louise (why not). It was fairly interesting but I didn't feel very informative. The first speaker was a professor who could have been a closet CD, he had a full beard and was about 6'3 or so. As he was reading from his prepared notes he took his shirt off and then pull the rest of a long dress out of his pants. He then read another half page of document and walked out. The next speaker is a director of some Trans Gendered group and only discussed the fact that 175 Trans sexuals were murdered last year, I regret that, but I don't know why he was presenting those facts to a group of mostly gay and accepting collage students, the director and I concurred on that. The third speaker was a young lady who is in the processes of becoming another Chasity Bono and was even built like her.

It was something to do that night, but I came away with nothing other than confirming, we come in many flavors and I still have no idea what Transsexuals think they'er going to accomplish with the need for the physical change. I've read about it, discussed it with people who seem to know what their talking about, but in my case, I've just never met one TS who was really happy with the final decision.

Maybe it's me!

The Thrift Shop

As most Wednesday's I visit the local thrift Shop this day as Louise , I do so about every 2-3 months en femme. Please bear with my monologue to the end.

Going back about a year ago, I had some how gotten into a conversation with a woman who at first seem very nice. Most likely the conversation occurred because I was in the woman's department looking at women's blazers.

As usual I opened my big mouth and shared Louise, I always feel or think people will automatically be accepting. She took me by surprise and sort of embarrassed me by saying "you find anything in this place" it was a back handed insult and I didn't forget it. After that I avoided her, I do have to say, I probably surprised her too by sharing my other side when I was Lou, most people just can't picture me en femme even if I show them my pictures which I always carry.

The interesting thing here is, this woman and I see each other every week, even though we no longer acknowledge each other we're aware of the others presence. The Wednesday before last I went shopping as Louise, as I passed an isle she was at the end of, she looked up and said "hi, how are you" I just said fine thanks. I figured she recognized me and was trying to be polite. This past Wednesday (I was Lou) we happened to be next to each other in an isle and I said, so you finally saw my other side, she said "what do you mean" I said I was the little blond you said hello to last week. She was totally stunned, she had no idea and started to rave about how I looked, she was so proud to have seen me as Louise she asked if I has a picture with me so she could show the cashier and her daughter, she treated me as if I were a celebrity.

As I've mentioned over and over, people do take you by the way you look. Most times I know people have a low opinion of me as Lou, but once I present as Louise, it's night and day.

One of my quoits is "If we were all blind, there would be no wars", it's a metaphor, but one I use to express my life as Louise.

I am Louise

Catching up

I really don't know if anyone reads my Blog, but it's a good diary anyway.

I've been very busy over the last few weeks. As you may have seen from my last post I'm into photography, not that I'm good or know what I'm doing but it keeps me active and I have what I call and hope close friend I love photo, besides my grand daughters.

I had gone to NYC on a Saturday and the Monday after I went to a Photoshop seminar in Philly, which I've been to before (as Louise) and again with the same doctor as I did Saturday in NYC. No we have absolutely nothing going on, he has as much interest in Cd's as I do in men, NON.

We took the bus (my wife Millie dropped us off at the bus stop) and got to Philly about 9:30 Am which gave us time to stop at Penn Terminal a great food place with many Amish farmers who are food vendors there. We picked up some snacks and coffee and headed over to the Philly convention center right across the street.

Everything was pretty non eventful, either because I looked OK or no one cared. About 11 we had a break and I wanted to be comfortable so I headed for the restroom, since the seminar was dominated by men, there was a line to get in the rest room. I was standing in the men's line (contrary to many peoples thoughts men in a dress use the men's room), when the gentleman in front of me turned and said politely "the lady's room is over there" I replied in my Lou voice, my voice is as deep as yours. He was sorta taken back and then said he was friends with a State Legislator who was going to vote on the TG/CD restroom issue and was undecided what way to vote, he then thought about walking into a men's room where some guy was standing in front of a urinal with his dress raised over his hips, that was enough to vote against our rights.

Wednesday I had gone out as Louise, I wanted to make a few stops one at my local bike shop to drop some flyer's off. The owner who has known me for years and knows all about Louise and has the same mentality as the other guys I race with turned and saw me dressed for the first time. The first words out of his moth was "are you here to sell advertising" it seems that he miss took me for an advertising lady who stops there for their Ad business. As rude as he usually is to Lou turned it around and was nice towards Louise, so I think I got a gold star from him.

That afternoon I stopped at my wife's store and then went next door to a small thrift shop. I was looking around and there was a (I think) Asian or Philippine lady dressed in something like nursing greens. She picked up a dress and said, I thing this would look nice on you and then picked out a couple other things. To my surprise I thought they could work too even though they were much different than my normal style. So I purchase them and had good results from people who know me and critique me.

My Day in NYC

If you know me, I can make a long story MUCH longer, so here goes.

I like photography and because I have time on my hands I can indulge in my hobby to attend seminars or events as the one this weekend. I also tend to want to share what I have or can afford to give to someone and the ulterior motive is I like to meet other people if possible. I did offer the ticket to a very close CD friend who is very interested in photography also and it would have been fun for the both of us to go together, but she declined the offer with some excuse, I know if you wanted to she could have, and yes it makes me hurt a little. I even posted the offer in a Yahoo group I belong to but the monitor of the group removed it even though she allows people to post provocative and sexually orientated messages, I met her once and she feels my wife and I are competition to her business even though we're about 4-5 hours travel from her so called business, what a jerk. I finally interested my eye doctor because his father had got him interested in photography years ago and due to his profession he leaned to that direction.

I mentioned to him I would be Louise for the day, I thought that could discourage him, but he knows me both ways and I admire him for his courage in accepting my invitation.

An interesting thing did happen as we were walking down 42 ND and 8 Th, I recognized a married couple who were customers of mine for years, he's a very prominent local attorney and his wife. I stopped them, he didn't recognize me at first but his wife recognized my voice and addressed me by name, she also said I really thought you were a woman. She wanted me to give my wife a message, she said years ago my wife had told her to save her own money and because of my wife's advice she was able to buy her own apartment in Philadelphia.

So my wife drove over to his home and drove us both to the AC bus stop, we were just in time for the 10 AM, which got us into the city about 1 PM. I was in between rain but we walked about 5 blocks to the Javits Center. My friend is about 6'2 and I'm 5'3 I was just about running to keep up with him. When we checked in and got into the Hall I took my sweater off, I was soaked.

The show was much better this year and very well attended, I'm not sure if anyone even noticed me as a CD or even cared. We spent about 4 hours at the show and then went to dinner at an Irish Pub. All in all it was a nice day but not very eventful,

On the way back the bus stopped in Toms River and I was very thirsty from the Pastrami sandwich I had for dinner, my friend tried to buy one out of the machine but you guessed it, it was out. I tend t be a non believer so I went out and tried, I was there about 1-2 minutes and the bus driver was calling me sweety, we have to go.

We were both beat by the time we got home, it was a long day.

Louise Buys a New Bike

Last Wednesday I received my new "Louise Credit Card". Since I had been considering a new bike I decided to give the Bike shop that is about 20 miles from me a shot at the sale because they were always nice to me, I rarely had bought anything more that 20 bucks from them but they were always appreciative and they do know me in both persona's.

I picked out a bike I felt was what I needed the price was 3600.00, pretty much mid level for a race bike, The owner said let me call the factory rep (who I know also) and see what I can do for you. To coin a phrase "I was offered a deal I couldn't refuse". I should have mentioned, I was Louise while making the purchase, I asked for no special treatment but I did expect maybe a 10% adjustment, what I got was $100.00 over cost and that included assembly. My old shop I had been pretty much exclusive with for 25 years may have offered 10% discount if I bartered with them.

I had done a lot of business with the store I raced for, they have lost most of my business and the people who know me, trust and value my opinon of the type bike to ride and where to go for good treatment, you can bet I will not malign my old shops reputation, I will just direct potential costumers to the other shop. The bottom line is that in many cases (unfortunately) we are judged by looks and how we present ourselves or (as in the case of my local old shop) if someone who has their own issues and wants to malign your character, the new shop was not infected by that peer pressure as was the one near me, shame on them.

Situations this week

Friday I decided to get my nails done, it's a new salon for me but I went a couple weeks before because I wanted to see my wife as she was having hers done. I had mine done also and my wife informed the technician I was a cross dresser, he wasn't surprised about cross dressers since he had some in Atlantic City he worked on. I shared a few of my pictures because it's hard to imagine Lou as someone who Cd's, he seemed to be impressed.

My wife called on Friday morning and made my appointment, so it wasn't as if "Louise" was going in cold turkey so to speak. I was a few minuets late, which is fashionable for me and he was taking care of someone else, but he looked up to see who came in. The shop owner said "Oh, you're Millie's husband, he then said with a stunned expression on his face "OMG, I didn't recognize you, you're stunning", I said I did show you my pictures, but I guess in person I look different.

That evening I went to a sort of up scale restaurant/lounge, where they had a 4 piece group with a female vocalist who was singing lounge music. It was the type environment that if you want to act sophisticated you listen and no one speaks, then everyone applauds whether the singer was good or bad. After she was done with her song I went up the stairs and crossed the room where about 5-6 large tables that seat about 10 people were located and into the bar area. I no sooner ordered a drink when a lady came in and addressed me as Louise and asked if I would mind sitting with them when I came into the polar where the music was. I went over to the entrance and another woman I've known for years who is a lesbian stood up and addressed me also, and whispered she was there with her church group, as if she didn't want me to embarrass her by recognizing her, I just6 said, you can introduce me to them (I put her on a spot) so that's what she did. The only male there asked me if my business was in Margate and said he was the person I would talk with when I ordered parts from his shop. A woman introduced me to her husband then asked me to sit next to her, we chatted on and off between the music for about 20+ minuets and she mention she and the singer were vocalists at the church, I said my wife was also at her church. Well her reaction was some what startled, she said "Your wife" I said yes, she said you're married to a woman, I said why not, I'm just a cross dresser, she said I thought you were a woman.

I'll leave the rest for another post, Louise

Sunday Doctors office

Sunday because of the rain I didn't ride bike which I was happy about due to needed rest from my day before and evening going out as Louise.

I dressed early and my wife and I went to breakfast and then headed over to our doctors office, he operates a clinic and is open Sundays, but we're regular patients, he has other staff to handle walkin's.

The receptionist and patients usually get a kick out of seeing me, either because I look good or most likely they make me out as a guy.

We were brought into one of the exam rooms and after a short wait the doctor came in and knowing me as Louise from one other appointment about 2 years ago politely greeted us and gave me a big smile.

Both my wife and I get injections so he took us to another area and after taking care of my wife asked me to take my place on the table. I sat on the edge and dropped my top, he looked at me with the syringe in his hand and said "I don't know where to start", with a big smile on his face".

As we were leaving I thanked him and he said, you know, you have beautiful eye's, I thanked him and then he said (and trust me this guy is straight and professional) "I'm really confused, I feel as if I.m talking to Marilyn Monroe. I've had a lot of nice things said to me, but coming from him it was one of the nicest, after all he knows Lou too.

My first Triathlon

The significance of this is, I was the oldest Competitor

I'm usually used to very high paced bike races but I wanted to do something a little easier this past weekend. What a surprise. I was taken completely off guard. First off I was confused about the staging area and the loop, I signed in and then drove over to the Police station which was next to the park where the race began and ended. I had brought my running shoes with me but left them in the car, I never did one of these before and had no idea of the itinerary or protocol.

I sorta took my time getting my bike together and not noticing anyone else around me so I didn't realize the time of the start, I really thought they took your number and time as you went off and then finished for an individual time, but it was a group start. I got to the start line with about 1 minuet to spare.

Since I didn't study the map of the course and get lost going around my corner anyway I figured I'd stay a few bike lengths behind and just follow. I was pretty impressed with the few guys in front of me, they were kicking butt. As we went through some tight corners I had lost sight of them and (you guessed it) I made 2 wrong turns. I did manage to get back in third but lost a bit of time and had exhausted myself, the bike was a 6 mile sprint and I had no warm up.

I reached the Kayak area and saw 3-4 bikes hanging on transitioning racks, I ran to the water front in my cycling cleats where my rented Kayak was, never doing Kayaking before I didn't even know how to put my vest on, I heard someone yell "haven't you ever used a vest" I finally figured it out. I dragged the Kayak into the water about half way because I didn't want to water log my shoes and of course had to shoved myself off the bank with the paddle (I had to be a sight). I was about the 8-10Th in the water by now and as I started to float I was shaking left to right trying to steady the water craft, I said to myself "self, holly crap, I'm going to flip" I hope they have someone to get me. Let me say, never paddling a kayak is an experience, I serpentine back and forth and must have done 5 miles rather than 1 mile, it was windy and a strong current, and me having a bad left shoulder that needs replacement I was 5 minutes out before my shoulder started to hurt me and I thought I was going to have to bail, people were passing me and I was running into everyone like they do with doggem cars on the boardwalk.

I think I was maybe 10-15 from the last person out of the water. As I got out I had no idea what to do or go next, I saw a few people standing nearby, one seemed to have been in one of the events because he had cycling shoes in his hand. I asked where do I go, he said you run that way, then he said "do you have running shoes, you can't run in cycling shoes" I said yeah, in my car at the Police station. He asked what size I was, we wore the same size, this guy took his shoes off for me and offered them to me, what a great gesture. I asked how do I return them, he told me he would meet me at the finish, which he was, I forgot his last name and wanted to at least buy him lunch.

My total time was 1:31 minuets and some seconds, I was surprised I came in second, I think if I didn't stop and talk to the guy with the shoes for 10 minuets and knew how to kayak a little better I could have won.

Seminar

Last Wednesday I went to a seminar. I had been to the office previously and had shown my pictures (I always do that). As I came in and was greeted by the Secretary she did a triple take and looked at mt name and realized who I was, she was quite taken back.

I made a few comments about the product and was surprised at how well I I presented my comments as Louise and at how intently everyone listened.

After the meeting I half joking asked if there was a possibility of becoming a representative for the company. The rep gave me a few phone numbers and contact names. Maybe I'll look into it.

Louise

My Class Reunion

This past Friday night was my "mid" class reunion, I suspect many of our old classmates are dying off and some of the people wanted to see others before we all go beyond.

I can't believe how old everyone looked, I certainly must have graduated about 20 years earlier than them, they really did change.

Our group is very eclectic to say the least, the one person was an FBI agent who has the tan-ish checkered shirt on, the lady with black hair with her arm around me is a psychiatrist, also notice the another one with her hands on my butt (smile). As I was sitting talking with one woman another one sitting next to me just turned and looked at me dead straight in my eye's and said you are absolutely beautiful and I love your nose. They're a few interesting items in her comment, one is I never liked my nose, I definitely was never a "Kodak moment" as Lou and no women ever approached me for any reason when I was in school. I find it so contrary to them where when they and I were in school that we all looked for a hero of some type, i.e. attractive, intelligent, sports jock or someone who was a stand out, I was just Lou, but now as Louise I have no doubt I would have been sought after. But I've been Lou so long I still have my weaknesses and can feel rejected just as easily now as then.

We had no less than 750-800 who I graduated with in my class at Atlantic City High, I did hear mention of one who was a Trans sexual, but I have no idea who or where she is.

This is my 4Th reunion but due to the very small amount of attendees (approximately 25 people) is was easier to communicate with each other, I still don't recognize most of my classmates.

Something to think about

Why Men Leave? What Every Woman (and Man) Needs to Know.

Dear Dr. Jed,

I was in my doctor's waiting room and just so happened to read an article in the grapevine magazine about "The Irritable Male Syndrome." This described my husband to a T. He's started to take things out on my children getting very angry at them and bringing their confidence down. He would also degrade me about my weight and appearance and would call me names. He said that everything was my fault. I finally decided to take my kids away for a week to get away from him. We had a great time and I began to find myself again.

When I got back I felt a lot better about myself and I had more faith that we could work out our problems. It seemed things were going better for awhile, but his dark moods returned and one day he just announced that he was leaving. He got himself an apartment not far from here and he still comes around to see the kids, but he still bristles when I try and talk to him about us. He doesn't seem happy. How do I get him to see what he is doing? It seems so obvious to me and everybody else, but he is just not willing to listen and still thinks I am the problem.

What makes it even harder is that I still love him and I think he loves me. I pray and hope we can get through this for each other and our children but I don't know what to do. If I wait until he comes to me he may never return. Every time I reach out to him he tells me I'm the problem. I wonder if I just have to move on with my life. Maybe my husband has to figure things out for himself. But it doesn't seem fair that my children and I have to go through this pain. I just don't know what to do. You are my last hope. Can you help me, my husband and our family? JP.

Many people spend a good part of their lives worrying about whether a spouse might leave. Some must actually deal with the consequences of a man's moving out. Although there are endless discussions and many books written about why men leave, few people get at the heart of the matter. For you to make the right decision you need to understand the secret reasons, that even most men never come to learn, about why they leave.

The first thing you need to know is that men are inherently more insecure than women, though you wouldn't know it by the way men posture their self-sufficiency. But consider these facts about male vulnerability:

• More male than female embryos are conceived, possibly because the spermatozoa carrying the Y chromosome swim faster than those carry the X.

• External maternal stress around the time of conception is associated with a reduction in the male-to-female sex ratio, suggesting that the male embryo is more vulnerable than the female.

• The male fetus is at greatest risk of death or damage from almost all the obstetric catastrophes that can happen before birth. Perinatal brain damage, cerebral palsy, congenital deformities of the genitalia and limbs, premature birth, and still birth are all more common in boys.

• Boy's brains are slower to develop. According to studies, a newborn girl is the physiological equivalent of a 4- to 6-week old boy.

• According Dr. William S. Pollock in the Department of psychiatry at Harvard medical school, "Although boys have the same emotional potential as girls, their emotional range is soon limited to a menu of three related feelings: rage, triumph, and lust." Anything else and they risk being seen as a sissy, says Dr. Pollack.

Male vulnerability and our need to act like men can be deadly. When asked if the American man was endangered species, Dr. Herb Goldberg, the author of The Hazards of Being Male, replied, "Absolutely! The male has paid a heavy price for his masculine 'privilege' and power. He is out of touch with his emotions and his body. He is playing by the rules of the male game plan and with lemming-like purpose he is destroying himself-emotionally, psychologically, and physically."

The second thing you need to know about males is that we long to be touched, loved, and nurtured, but we are afraid of it as well. Why is that? A number of studies show that mothers talk to, cuddle, and breastfeed male infants significantly less than female infants.

So boys experience a nurturing deficit from the very beginning and long to make up for what we didn't get. However, as boys get older we are taught to be tough and not to need the "tender loving care" that most girls more often get from their parents, relatives, and friends. These conflicting desires create a huge ambivalence inside most men. Inside we know we need extra nurturing. But we are told that it isn't manly to need it. If we act too "needy," we will be rejected by the very women who long to get nurtured by. Do you get a sense of the bind we feel?

The third thing you need to know about men is that we have an unconscious compulsion to get our spouse to give us the "mothering" we missed growing up. According to John W. Travis, M.D., author of Why Men Leave, "It's no surprise, then, that most of the unbonded boys in our culture grow into men who spend a good deal of their lives unconsciously seeking a mommy-figure to provide them with the nurturing they were denied as infants/children (fueled by advertising that prominently features the breasts they were denied.)"

The forth thing you need to know about men is that we may do all right early on in the relationship when a lot of focus is on us and our needs. We may appear to be "perfect gentlemen" giving the woman all the signs of love she is needs. In fact, we are giving her the things we know will get us the love and care we desperately need.

However, as the relationship matures and children are born and grow up, we increasingly lose our special position with the woman. As she matures, she expresses more of her own needs. Work and other demands make her less available. We may initially compensate for the loss by getting involved with work ourselves, drink, use drugs, etc, but deep inside a time-bomb is ticking. One little loss, disappointment, or threat to our stability and the whole house of cards begins to fall.

The fifth thing you need to know is that no matter how much a woman gives to the man, it will never be enough. The love of a good woman can never make up for the losses a man suffered growing up. But he doesn't know that. He believes that she could, would, and must give him what he needs. If she doesn't, his love suddenly turns to hate. Is this making sense to you?

From her perspective, her wonderful, loving mate has suddenly gone from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, from Mr. Nice to Mr. Mean. From his perspective, all the love and nurture he was promised when he met and married this woman, has systematically been taken away from him. He feels he's been set up and betrayed.

In his mind he deserved to be treated special, that his needs are more important than anyone else's. Unconsciously he believes that his spouse has promised to take care of him and now she's abandoning him. At this stage he may become violently angry, jealous, or withdrawn. He may see his children as competitors for his spouse's affections and criticize them for real or imagined transgressions. Outwardly he appears mean and controlling. Inwardly is in a panic. He's like an infant who has lost his mommy and he thinks he will die.

The sixth thing you need to know is that most men don't leave for the reason you (or they) think. They are not leaving because they are not "in love" with you like they used to be, or because they're trying to "find themselves," or "need their space," or for the endless transgressions they may accuse you of perpetuating. These may be secondary reasons. But the primary reason men leave is that they are overwhelmed with shame. They feel ashamed that they feel so needy for love and nurture. They feel ashamed that they are acting in hurtful ways towards those they love. They feel ashamed of the rage that engulfs them. And most deeply, they feel ashamed for feeling ashamed over things that seem so trivial on the surface (I'm leaving because I don't feel the romantic attraction I did when we met 30 years ago?). They have built their manhood (and the hoped for love and nurture they thought it would bring them) on being clear, strong and decisive. Now they feel clouded, weak, and ambivalent. The very foundation of their existence seems to be crumbling under them.

They feel they need to leave the relationship to keep the core of their identity from being destroyed. They feel they need to leave the relationship to keep from destroying the people they love the most. In their state of mind, leaving is the most kind and loving thing they can do to protect their spouse and children from the rage that is building up inside. They leave because they feel the long repressed childhood traumas coming to the surface, which many men would rather die than confront.

So, given all of this "secret" knowledge, what can you do?

1. Let this sink in for awhile.

   When I tell women the truth about the secret reasons men leave, it is disorienting. It shakes the foundations of their own world, how they have come to understand their own identity as a woman, wife, and mother. It also rings true for them and a lot of what has been going on makes sense and falls into place.

2. Have compassion for yourself.

   No one really knows what they are getting themselves into when they say "I do." If we knew, perhaps fewer of us would make this kind of life-time commitment. Or perhaps we wouldn't be so hard on ourselves when we're not able to be the kind of spouse that we dreamed we would be. Few women really understand the inner life of men, just as few men understand what really goes on inside the heart and mind of a woman. So, if you've felt inadequate to the task, have some compassion for yourself. Recognize that you have been doing the best you could and with new knowledge you'll be able to do even better.

3. Have compassion for the man.

   Once you recognize how vulnerable men are and how much time they spend trying to deny their weakness and act like the men they imagine women want them to be, you can have more understanding of what's really driving him. You can let go of your negative beliefs about men--that they are arrogant, aggressive, stupid, sex-crazed, mean, etc. You can let in the reality that they are really just confused, wounded human beings doing their best to love and be loved in a world that has deprived us all of getting what we need the most.

4. Let the whole question of "staying or leaving" be held within a larger container of "how can we truly heal our wounds, nurture our relationship, and take care of each other."

   Once you know what is really going on, his desire to leave can be seen as part of the healing process. Even if he leaves, that doesn't have to be the end. Leaving can be seen as another step along the way to understand the past, reclaim the present, and build a new and better future.

5. Commit to working with a guide.

   Because these issues are so important and the journey so new and confusing for many, I recommend you find a knowledgeable therapist or counselor to help guide you through this process. Finding the right guide isn't easy. Just because a person has the right credential doesn't mean they've been over this territory enough to guide others. Be tenacious. Be creative. Be willing to make mistakes. But never give up.

A surprise

Last Wednesday 08/26/09, I was asked to be at a "mixer" to help organize a support group in the Atlantic City area for the GLBT alliance, I felt honored although I don't consider myself "Transgendered", I think they feel I make the best representation (at least) in my community.

My only claim to the Alternative lifestyle is that I accept everyone, I don't consider myself gay (a brief example) men do absolutely nothing for me, many women don't either, but I keep an open mind and admittedly have seen some CD's who I could be very attracted to, but haven't so called "straight" men (and women) too.

Lets face it, we all have hidden or open agendas but it all boils down to one thing, trying to make ourselves happy without harming others. I personal feel and have said many times (especially after finding Louise) that we are all pressured by peer pressure and want to keep from being ostracized by our friends and family's, but it's a paradox, why would our friends hate us if we want to express ourselves in a way that makes us happy.

THE REST OF THE STORY

After the social, I went to a restaurant/lounge I've been to many times with my wife for karaoke. It was a very small crowd this night about 15 or so people, half knew me the others were new to me.

I sat on the mostly empty side of the bar away from everyone. An older man (about mid late 60's) came in and sat on the far opposite corner next to a young woman (40's) but in plain site of me. He noticed me and started to smile and wink and toast me, he also motioned his head for me to come over. I always smile as Louise, I guess I'm just natural happy when Louise. Finally the woman left, I thought for the evening because he waved me over. I figured he had to realize I was a CD, so I wondered over and as he pulled the stool out for me, he asked "can I help you get up" I am very short, I said I'm fine, his next comment was "you have a fantastic smile and face" I knew where this was going and said in my (Lou deep voice) "THANK YOU" he said YOU'RE a MAN!!!!!!!!!!, get away, I'm not interested. Everyone thought it was pretty amusing, I just didn't need to prove how much of a man I was so I said No Problem.

The really interesting issue here was that the woman came back in and I had moved over nest to another lady they both started to talk with me, he was alone and I kept looking at him, he was a pretty unhappy person. He came in to hookup, and the two better looking women there were more interested in me than him.

Life is a Paradox, Louise

Motor Vehicles & Inspection

For some reason over the last two years I haven't received the registration for my wife's car. She had to go out to the inspection area so she went to the inspection station only to find out she didn't have a new registration. She went to motor vehicles but we both forgot the car is titled in my name, so the day was wasted.

I dressed early Tuesday and figured I'd go to the agency and take care of the registration and then inspection. As I walked in the one "greater" recognized me from my card I gave her a year ago. She called me ahead of everyone else in line and took care of me, she repeated over and over "I love it". No one else made and notice or comments about my mode. I then I went to the inspection station and it was pretty much the same thing, no comments or even jesters.

Catching up on August 2009

I've been out up to 5 times in one week as Louise over the last 30 days or so. I just wanted to catch up on some of the more notable moments.

I had an issue with something I need help from a State agency a few months ago, I went to the local office as Louise to discuss the problem. The person I spoke with was very accommodating and took personal care of the problem. A few weeks ago as I was walking into one of the Lounges I frequent my phone rang, it was hi, he told me where her was and that his wife and some other family members wanted to meet me. I drove over (about 5 minutes away) to the other place. They were out back. As I was walking towards them I notice a lady I had met last year and took a moment to say hello. I then walked over to the side where the State person was. As I came up to them his wife said in a some what direct manner "It's not right", you look 50 times better than me, I want you to stop calling my husband. Of course she was kidding with me. Her husband could only say "Didn't I tell you" about 15 times. It's really nice to know people who are so open minded.

A few days later I went to a restaurant I've been to over the last 3-4 years, I've seen the owner a number of times be we never even acknowledged each other, but this time he was working as the host. I felt I needed to at least introduce myself (some people are afraid to make first contact with someone different). I've been back at least twice and now he makes a point of addressing me as Ms Louise (another convert) I'm proud of him>

There was a Food show at Bally's Casino and the people who coordinate the show offered me comp tickets. My wife was supposed to go with me but she wanted to work in her store so he volunteered her girl friend. I went as Louise of course. I was really surprised and disappointed, even the people I talked with never made mention that I was a Cross Dresser, maybe people are more interested in food and wine, or just more accepting. I did see a friend of mine who is a TS, I called out to her and she acknowledged me but would not come over to talk, she was with a woman, maybe her friend was not aware of her sex status.

This past Sunday I went with my wife to an outdoor weekly event at Sweet water Casino. The main restaurant had burned down about a year ago but the had an outdoor bar and bar food.
My wife and her GF walked in before me and I found a parking place. As I was walking through the parking lot and near the entrance there were about 15 motorcycles parked. As I entered the park bench area it was pretty obvious that this was a "Red neck zone", I never saw so much ink. I tried not to make any eye contact but it was apparent all eye's were on me. As I reached my wife, as someone would reach out for a life preserver, she said I think we're leaving. She said everyone was staring, I was wearing shorts and due to all my cycling my thighs are very defined. After about 30-45 minuets we were becoming more comfortable, no one has attracted me. I went up to the bar where a person offered me a drink and simultaneously someone came over and said I'd like to talk with you when your done, come to our table. I was pleasantly surprised they were very polite, no rude comments other than the one person kept saying I don't care what you have between your legs, your pretty and I'd do you. After awhile a few other people made contact, but one was sort of interesting and surprised me, not that I haven't had people voluntarily mention someone in their life who had some issue. This woman said I need to ask you a question, my son is 17, I don't know if he masturbates, but he needs to wear my bathing suit, he has Ashburgs disease and has trouble with understanding some things. Knowing from my experiences I said I doubt he'll ever out grow the clothing fetish, but I would try to explain simply that wearing clothes that are for the opposite sex could be like wearing your underwear in public. I felt trying to keep it simplified would be less confusing for him, I hope it works out, she was really nice even if she looked tougher than me when I'm in Lou mode. I gave him my signature mark on his forehead.

Catching up for August

I've been out up to 5 times in one week as Louise over the last 30 days or so. I just wanted to catch up on some of the more notable moments.

Night in Veince

Once a year in Ocean City, NJ they have an event called "Night in Venice", I've been invited to a couple of peoples homes to share the event with them and their friends. This year I was invited to 4 different parties plus a Wedding on one of the beaches. The parking and congestion is so bad that once you find a parking space you don't go anywhere else.

I wanted to at least get to 2 or 3 parties, the wedding I politely declined because I find that when I attend them as Louise I tend to distract from the bride and I don't feel that's polite, even though they said they had no difficulty with me as Louise and I had really wanted to offer any pictures I would have taken as a gift from me.

I did eventually get to a second party that was still going and met the Doctors family and friends who had invited me. His Brother in Law seemed to be a little too attracted towards Louise so I had to assure him I was a Lesbian and that I wasn't interested in becoming part of the family.

As always I had a good time and I'm sure the company I was with did also.

This is a real compliment

I was at a new Alternative" lounge, it's usually not my venue but I just wanted to see what was happening there.

I knew a few people because my wife had would in a Gay club. There was this one younger guy who I've known his Mother & Father for years due to our businesses being next door to each other. The son was gay which doesn't matter to me but when I asked if his Mother knew he said no. I really find that strange because he was at his Grandfathers funeral a couple weeks ago in the front pew with his Boyfriend, I've never seen him with a woman so I can't believe his Mother is that obtuse not to realize, on second though, she may be, I know her.

As I was talking with a couple women there he came over and entered the conversation and I mentioned we knew each other and that his Mother was always attracted to Lou (me) as a guy, but had issues with me as Louise. The son said "I'll tell you why she has an issue with you", she goes out to dance with men and meet someone, but when you're there they all dance with you.

I have to tell you, if that isn't a compliment I don't know what is, and it was pretty much from the horses mouth.

My wife and I were invited to an exclusive all gay party, on Sunday 07/18/09. The person she used to work for who owned a very popular gay club in Atlantic City had remodeled the top 2 floors of an 8 story office building into his private home.

The only place I've ever seen this type of architecture and design is in the most upscale hotels in NYC. He had cut an opening between the 2 floors and made a mezzanine type balcony with a Y shaped stair case. The residence has a main kitchen and a private one off their bedroom, and so many amenity's I can't describe them all, it was like a Palace.

He also had, besides about 125 guests a celebrity guest, Carson, from the show "Queer Eye for the straight guy". He's not as flamboyant in person as on the show, a really nice person. There was a small entourage with him, one person may have been his S/O and he was really very good looking with a great figure, even I as a "straight guy" had an eye for him.

The event included mostly h'orderves, an open bar, a pianist and many friends we had made over the years. The owner owns a 1960 Corvair and because he hadn't started it in 2 years asked me to see if I could get it running because I was factory trained on Corvair's, big deal, they were taken off the road because of Bruce Nader's book "unfit at any speed", but I lucked out and got it running in less than 2-3 minuets (corroded points).

I've included a few pictures and my wife with Carson.

The Kid from Broo

I was about to go out this Friday night 07/10/09, but it was a little to early (7:30 PM) so I started to fiddle with my PC which I totally screwed up (maybe someone will volunteer help).

I get a phone call from my son, who lives in NNJ about 2 miles where the jet liner landed in the river. He says "hold on, someone wants to talk to you", I figure it's my grand daughter, instead, it's "THE KID FROM BROKLYN". I don't know if any of you have seen his YouTube clips, but his logic and the way he presents it makes you "Thinkaboutit" his closing line.

I was just coincidental my son was standing in a check out line at a food store and recognized him and mentioned my pop would really be impressed that I got to meet you, The Kid (about 60 years old) said "give him a call, I'll talk to him", he was not at all the way he is in his Ytube rants and I was very impressed that someone like him would volunteer to talk with a stranger just to be nice, of course, he doesn't know of Louise, I'm debating if I should send a picture of the person on the other end of the line he was speaking with. After you see a few of his RANTS you can just imagine the spin he would put on it.

Louise

My Doctors office visit

My doctor took me off my hyper tension medication and wanted to recheck my pressure. I had arrived at his office a few minuets early a lady patient came in and sat across from me, I was dressed in a tight pair of stretch form fitting Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and a woman's tank top also form fitting. As a guy I'm built pretty good, many people think I send all day in a gym, but contrary too that I haven't lifted since I was 16 although I race bike, that keeps me fit.
I noticed this lady kept looking at me and smiling, but not in a patronizing way because of my attire, but more as if she was attracted to me, she was nice, but not really my interest. A few minuets later a couple other women came in for their appointments. The younger one had a very interesting tattoo on her foot, I mentioned to her that my wife's girl friend just had one done and she said it hurt like hell, she confirmed it did hurt and she had it done to cover another one up, she also mentioned she had her rib cage done too, but wanted to avoid areas that would be exposed to the public like arms or neck because of fear of being judged, she also added that being tattooed can be addictive.
I felt we had a some cohesion because of my compulsion to cross dress and shared some of my Louise pictures I carry in my "man bag". She got a big smile on her face and said one of her best friends is a "Drag Queen" in Del and he looks great, but loved my look too. I explained there was a difference between DQ's and CD's but she was already aware that many "straight" men love to CD. She was called in the exam room before I had a chance to give her my card, I'm sure she has some interesting friends.
Back to the other Lady, she had been called in earlier and my exam was very quick so we were both done at the same time. We walked out together and a conversation I initiated by mentioning the Calypso music that had been on the radio and her stating to the receptionist her recent visit to Jamaica. She then mentioned that she was very impressed by my physique which of course caused me to say my Twin Sister was built exactly like I was and I took out one of my pictures, of course she wanted to be polite and said, wow, she is built, I had to laugh when I said, it's me.
Her comment was "here I am looking at you as a very macho guy I wanted to meet and look at you", she went on "I love it". Long story short, she has my card.
Contrary to many cross dressers who tend to remain closeted, I want to share my other side. Of course, I'm not the only one who is comfortable doing that. I think it pretty much has to do with your apperiance and comfort as to your presentation and the number of times you've been in public in traditional enviorments. I don't pretend I pass although I've been told I do, I know some CD's are almost totally passable and if a person isn't paying attention they would never know.
I know and feel I look OK. But for me ACCEPTANCE is more important, and I seem to be universally accepted in any environment.