My wife was told she has a thyroid condition, usually not a big deal, but
then we're not like most people, in fact one of my teachers had nick named me
"BLACK CLOUD LOUIE" referencing a comic strip character by Al Capp in Li'l Abner
"Joe Bfstplk" (that's the characters name).
She had a doctor do a biopsy on her, about a half hour after the second one, she started to feel nauseous and dizzy, this has gone on for 3 months. Last week she had a brain scan and is going for an audiology test next week. 3 doctors and no one can figure out what's going on.
Then I've had a set back with my eye. Seven years ago this week (Thanks Giving Week) I formed a blood clot in one eye from dehydration while racing bicycle in the woods. We ride so hard for 2-21/2 hours I can only take one or 2 sips of water, well it caught up with me, some people have strokes from dehydration and die, sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have been better off in the later scenario. Anyway I was getting injections once a month in the eye ball to treat the condition. My Doctor felt we could go for 2 months and then the last time we went for 3 months, guess what, I'm back to square one after 7 years of this torture, I compare it to being in a NAZI concentration camp.
And now for the last "death blow". I had developed a "special" friendship about 8 years ago. I always new it was some what tentative, but figured due to my willingness to satisfy the other party by traveling to them weekly for the past 6 years or so, just to share special situations and once in awhile go to lunch and I also just about begged he and his wife to go out to dinner with us, to no avail. I've been dropped all together. One example was for months I asked them to visit to go out for dinner, the answer was, to busy, no sitter and so on. OK, I respect that and even though it would be my treat, some people don't want to take advantage, I even offered ordering to my home, which we finally did a couple weeks ago at his home, the first time we were invited up for about 5 years.
But last week, he posted a message in his group about going out for the night, would you think he would sent me an email in case I missed the message, would you think a phone call, no, nothing, and then today he posts a Craig's List message with his pictures in VERY provocative poses. I had seen it coming, after years of having hundreds of employees I had developed a 6 th sense I can tell when someone is being obscure, it was like an open book. I guess it's just nature. like with me, I can't lie, I don't know why, but if I try to lie It's like I'm blaring out loud LIAR.
For me, my feelings (no matter morally right or wrong) were/are shattered like a broken glass. I am so devastated I just don't know how to react or what way to go. I hope I'm strong enough to survive, but when I look in retrospect at the way my life has always been and now again being so abused by someone I developed such a deep feeling for, I just don't know what life is all about. I am so sad and broken hearted, I even had left him very well off in my will more than he knew. I just saw at how much of a struggle he is having, not broke, but I wanted him to have a safer car and to be able to live more comfortably, he would have had anything he needed. I'm a giver, I always have been, and am able to share much more than he could have worked for the rest of his life, I guess I'm not worth it.
I'm as far from religion as you can be, if there's a god, he has chosen me to be an example of how he can punish a person, the only reason (I feel) he keeps me alive is to toy with me and see where my breaking point is, I think it's pretty close now. I'm sick with grief, if I die now it won't be to soon.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference
She had a doctor do a biopsy on her, about a half hour after the second one, she started to feel nauseous and dizzy, this has gone on for 3 months. Last week she had a brain scan and is going for an audiology test next week. 3 doctors and no one can figure out what's going on.
Then I've had a set back with my eye. Seven years ago this week (Thanks Giving Week) I formed a blood clot in one eye from dehydration while racing bicycle in the woods. We ride so hard for 2-21/2 hours I can only take one or 2 sips of water, well it caught up with me, some people have strokes from dehydration and die, sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have been better off in the later scenario. Anyway I was getting injections once a month in the eye ball to treat the condition. My Doctor felt we could go for 2 months and then the last time we went for 3 months, guess what, I'm back to square one after 7 years of this torture, I compare it to being in a NAZI concentration camp.
And now for the last "death blow". I had developed a "special" friendship about 8 years ago. I always new it was some what tentative, but figured due to my willingness to satisfy the other party by traveling to them weekly for the past 6 years or so, just to share special situations and once in awhile go to lunch and I also just about begged he and his wife to go out to dinner with us, to no avail. I've been dropped all together. One example was for months I asked them to visit to go out for dinner, the answer was, to busy, no sitter and so on. OK, I respect that and even though it would be my treat, some people don't want to take advantage, I even offered ordering to my home, which we finally did a couple weeks ago at his home, the first time we were invited up for about 5 years.
But last week, he posted a message in his group about going out for the night, would you think he would sent me an email in case I missed the message, would you think a phone call, no, nothing, and then today he posts a Craig's List message with his pictures in VERY provocative poses. I had seen it coming, after years of having hundreds of employees I had developed a 6 th sense I can tell when someone is being obscure, it was like an open book. I guess it's just nature. like with me, I can't lie, I don't know why, but if I try to lie It's like I'm blaring out loud LIAR.
For me, my feelings (no matter morally right or wrong) were/are shattered like a broken glass. I am so devastated I just don't know how to react or what way to go. I hope I'm strong enough to survive, but when I look in retrospect at the way my life has always been and now again being so abused by someone I developed such a deep feeling for, I just don't know what life is all about. I am so sad and broken hearted, I even had left him very well off in my will more than he knew. I just saw at how much of a struggle he is having, not broke, but I wanted him to have a safer car and to be able to live more comfortably, he would have had anything he needed. I'm a giver, I always have been, and am able to share much more than he could have worked for the rest of his life, I guess I'm not worth it.
I'm as far from religion as you can be, if there's a god, he has chosen me to be an example of how he can punish a person, the only reason (I feel) he keeps me alive is to toy with me and see where my breaking point is, I think it's pretty close now. I'm sick with grief, if I die now it won't be to soon.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference
2 comments:
Louise,
I often find it helpful to think about the serenity prayer. When you cannot tell the difference between the things you can change and those that you cannot change then it is critical to look for serenity whenever you can.
It is very sad that someone does not reciprocate friendship. My father used to say that if over the course of your life you have more than one true friend then you have had more than your fair share. My dad passed at 56. His best friend was a fellow from Penna that was with my dad during WWII. My brothers and I always called him 'uncle' and his wife 'aunt'. These were terms of love and endearment. To this day my brothers and I think of this non-related uncle and aunt with love, honor, respect and dignity. For us showing respect to my dad's best friend is a way to respect my dad's memory.
I hope that you and your friend come to terms that afford you the respect and dignity that you deserve.
Pat
Louise,
I often find it helpful to think about the serenity prayer. When you cannot tell the difference between the things you can change and those that you cannot change then it is critical to look for serenity whenever you can.
It is very sad that someone does not reciprocate friendship. My father used to say that if over the course of your life you have more than one true friend then you have had more than your fair share. My dad passed at 56. His best friend was a fellow from Penna that was with my dad during WWII. My brothers and I always called him 'uncle' and his wife 'aunt'. These were terms of love and endearment. To this day my brothers and I think of this non-related uncle and aunt with love, honor, respect and dignity. For us showing respect to my dad's best friend is a way to respect my dad's memory.
I hope that you and your friend come to terms that afford you the respect and dignity that you deserve.
Pat
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