Now for the bad, so many things

My wife was told she has a thyroid condition, usually not a big deal, but then we're not like most people, in fact one of my teachers had nick named me "BLACK CLOUD LOUIE" referencing a comic strip character by Al Capp in Li'l Abner "Joe Bfstplk" (that's the characters name).

She had a doctor do a biopsy on her, about a half hour after the second one, she started to feel nauseous and dizzy, this has gone on for 3 months. Last week she had a brain scan and is going for an audiology test next week. 3 doctors and no one can figure out what's going on.

Then I've had a set back with my eye. Seven years ago this week (Thanks Giving Week) I formed a blood clot in one eye from dehydration while racing bicycle in the woods. We ride so hard for 2-21/2 hours I can only take one or 2 sips of water, well it caught up with me, some people have strokes from dehydration and die, sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have been better off in the later scenario. Anyway I was getting injections once a month in the eye ball to treat the condition. My Doctor felt we could go for 2 months and then the last time we went for 3 months, guess what, I'm back to square one after 7 years of this torture, I compare it to being in a NAZI concentration camp.

And now for the last "death blow". I had developed a "special" friendship about 8 years ago. I always new it was some what tentative, but figured due to my willingness to satisfy the other party by traveling to them weekly for the past 6 years or so, just to share special situations and once in awhile go to lunch and I also just about begged he and his wife to go out to dinner with us, to no avail. I've been dropped all together. One example was for months I asked them to visit to go out for dinner, the answer was, to busy, no sitter and so on. OK, I respect that and even though it would be my treat, some people don't want to take advantage, I even offered ordering to my home, which we finally did a couple weeks ago at his home, the first time we were invited up for about 5 years.
But last week, he posted a message in his group about going out for the night, would you think he would sent me an email in case I missed the message, would you think a phone call, no, nothing, and then today he posts a Craig's List message with his pictures in VERY provocative poses. I had seen it coming, after years of having hundreds of employees I had developed a 6 th sense I can tell when someone is being obscure, it was like an open book. I guess it's just nature. like with me, I can't lie, I don't know why, but if I try to lie It's like I'm blaring out loud LIAR.

For me, my feelings (no matter morally right or wrong) were/are shattered like a broken glass. I am so devastated I just don't know how to react or what way to go. I hope I'm strong enough to survive, but when I look in retrospect at the way my life has always been and now again being so abused by someone I developed such a deep feeling for, I just don't know what life is all about. I am so sad and broken hearted, I even had left him very well off in my will more than he knew. I just saw at how much of a struggle he is having, not broke, but I wanted him to have a safer car and to be able to live more comfortably, he would have had anything he needed. I'm a giver, I always have been, and am able to share much more than he could have worked for the rest of his life, I guess I'm not worth it.

I'm as far from religion as you can be, if there's a god, he has chosen me to be an example of how he can punish a person, the only reason (I feel) he keeps me alive is to toy with me and see where my breaking point is, I think it's pretty close now. I'm sick with grief, if I die now it won't be to soon.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference
 

Interesting Happings 2

This past Friday I again went to my local hangout, but it was dead, so I ventured over to Margate to a local hot spot and that was dead too. I finally went back to Somers Point to another place I usually have dinner at.This place was jamming.

I was able to find a seat at the bar and ordered some chicken tenders and a glass of wine. There as a 40's guy sitting one stool away from me, but I think he got nervous and walked away. A couple walked in and took then 4 seats next to me. A girl (42 she told me) sat next to me, very attractive but with (I think) breast implants, I prefer flat chested women.

She was going between a conversation (sort of) between the guy and her texting, I find that impolite, but everyone does it now. She finally turned to me and said, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to have my back to you. I said, well you're with your boyfriend so I understand, she said, Oh, he's not my BF, we're just friends. Well I was pretty glad about that, this guy was built like a tank, he must workout 8 hours a day 4 days a week.

She asks me if I used to go to the beach on a curtain street in Margate, I said yes, but that was like 12+ years ago when I still had my business. I asked how did you recognize me, she said your calves. I had to laugh, who the hell remembers someones calves. Mine (aren't big, but my wife says they're very shapely.

We talked for about an hour and a half, she told me a lot about herself, nice girl and very polite. As I left I apologized to her friend for monopolizing her, he said it was fine, I think I would have been upset if it happened to me.

Interesting happings

I'll start with the good and then post a separate posting of the bad.

Two Friday's ago I went out to my local haunt, I did my social hello's with people who know me and seem comfortable with "Louise", but I don't like to hang around them very long unless they insist, I feel that some people may feel I'm a pest or that the person I'm talking with might be too interested in me, so I give them room.

I was sitting at the bar checking out some dancers (I can't dance and admire those who can) and also a few of the lady's. I noticed a group of 4 women who looked late 30's to early 40's at a table. Two were standing and 2 seated, one was VERY attractive and built. She had skin tight jeans on and a nice figure. Even though I like to cross dress, I'm very attracted to pretty women, but in either of my personas they usually want nothing to do with me, although, many like to talk with "Louise".

It was getting late and I started to walk out and the really pretty girl was now sitting towards my direction. As I walked passed her he intentionally made eye contact with me and made a comment about me leaving early, it seemed as if she wanted a conversation so I stopped and said "thanks for speaking to me, I have to say I noticed you and think you're beautiful". Well I guess everyone likes to be flattered.

We got into a conversation and she told me she's been divorced 7 years and can't meet a man, in fact, I just bought this outfit today for a date tonight, but it didn't work out. I said, I think most men are threatened by you, you're so beautiful they might be afraid you wouldn't like them or they couldn't live up to your expectations.She then paid me a compliment, she said, I really thought you were a woman until we started to talk.

I have to admit, I was taken by her beauty and politeness, but I would definitely not be able to satisfy her needs unless I did it by leaving her a big insurance policy and dying the next day.

This Weekend 11 9 13

 

 

I didn't go out Friday or Saturday as Louise, I guess I'm a little depressed because I think I've lost a special friend.

I decided to go out Sunday somewhat androgynous, that's not very easy for me because of my muscular build, but I only wear female jeans, tops and shoes even though they look close to a males clothing, only they're more form fitting. I know one person who will wear women's clothes and high heels in his male persona but has a woman's body so he does confuse people.

This weekend I added to my ensemble a pair of high heel woman's boots, I think I looked good. My wife and I went into the local Greek restaurant that is usually packed when we get there. I love the way the two owners (sisters) crack a smile when they see me walk in, they know that people are going to stare so they usually walk us past as many people as possible, like putting me on display which I love.

The one sister will usually come back or wait till were done eating and describe who was staring and their reactions, it really is humorous the way people will react to something differant. I have to admit, I would too and depending on how they looked I'd probably introduce myself if I felt attracted. She couldn't wait to tell us about the foursome in the last booth and how the lady's mouth dropped to the floor, the owner had a hard time trying to contain herself because the woman was so animate in her reaction. I love pushing the envelope.

From there we went to the local (small) Thrift Shop, I found a nice Zebra print jacket. One lady stopped me and asked if I had remembered her from High school (oh sure like yesterday), people really change so I had no idea who she was. She said we weren't friends in school be she always was checking me out, she seemed a little introverted but I guess when she saw me she needed to say something.

From there we went to Sam's club, my wife wasn't feeling well so I went in alone, I was concerned about her, she hasn't been well for a few months, so I just picked up a couple things and was out.

From there we went up to Manahawkin to shop at Costco, which I usually do on Thursdays, but my "friend" asked us to stop for dinner Sunday so we killed to birds with one stone. It was a good day and I was glad my friend asked us up, Millie had a good time at their home.

Monday was a going away party for two men who had come from California and went to work as managers at the Rams Hear, a high end restaurant and developed "Out at The Inn" on Mondays nights. It became a very popular upscale event for the local and even people who traveled from Central Jersey and the Philly area. Most people we're business or professional types or in the Hospitality fields. The bottom line it was something safe, clean and well attended and open to anyone without any fear. It's really a sad note for this area to lose something that was so popular.

I guess my benefit has been able to integrate with the local (so called) straight community that I feel welcome anywhere I go. I have to give my wife credit for that, she was my support by risking her own reputation and safety by being my "backup" and support helping me to put a legitimate face on what makes me happy and showing true love, most couples would have broken up.